Thankfully, not on j-block, but the sun is out and not shining, the birds are chirping (Adolph is happy), I’m a demon, and those without camp, jobs, or elaborate teen (shopping) tours to California may become lost in the overbearing heat and inactivity that summer brings.
For this “unfortunate group, the following quotations and our subsequent elaborations should help to make you the more “fortunate group.
“I want to meet that dad.’€Mother Theresa
Get to know local dads. Generally warm and knowledgeable characters, dads will surely enhance your summer experience. Most summer days are great “dad days’€you know, just relax, barbeque some brisket, mow the lawn, share some links, the usual. Often you find dads standing on the uppermost row of bleacher seats at Little League games, congregated within a ten-foot radius of propane grills, or checkin’ out the newest wood grains at National Lumber. Dads!
“Haha, I need a massage.’€Regis Philbin (are you serious?)
The summer heat wears down on us, leaving us all pooped. What better than to rejuvenate your aching muscles than a sensual massage?
Massage Envy on Needham street is the more conventional choice, but persistently asking strangers (or those aforementioned local dads) keeps things interesting.
“And when I was five my favorite movie was Gremlins, ain’t got [bowel movement] to do with this but I just thought that I should mention’€Barbara Streisand
Gremlins is an American comedy horror film directed by Joe Dante and released in 1984 by Warner Bros. It is about a young man who receives a strange creature (called a mogwai) named Gizmo as a pet, which then spawns other creatures who transform into small, destructive, evil monsters. *Watch this! Go Pawsox!
“I love my lady’€yup, yup: I love my chick.’€Freddy Adu
Spend some time with an intimate human companion. If not that, then try a newborn chicken. Both types of relationships promise to bring an unparalleled amount of joy and fulfillment to your otherwise humdrum summer days.
“And the party’s still jumping ‘Ëœcause my mama ain’t home’€Kenny G
Host a social event! Chicks and dads will undoubtedly be impressed with your generosity and amicability. Make sure there are enough wholesome activities to entertain guests. We suggest croquet, duck-duck-goose, 52 card pickup, beanbag toss, and maybe, if they’re feeling up to it, some sad dad dancing. These activities tend to cause a ruckus, so make sure “Mama ain’t home!
Note: When your mom is home, however, make sure to take advantage of her presence. If you demonstrate to her your love of topics and family enjoyment, not only will she be more willing to leave you alone to have those parties, but your familial bond will be strengthened.
“She even wear her hair down her back like mine.’€Benjamin Franklin
Get a haircut, ya doofus!
So please: meet some dads, watch Gremlins, and toss that beanbag.
*Description taken from Wikipedia.]]>
Whereas Trigger was a facet of our imagination, we will now ground ourselves in reality in order to please all you unimaginative chowderheads who received our last column poorly. We will proceed to tell you about a man: a man’s man, a woman’s man and a friend to animals and people alike.
In our short visit to his cozy boutique, we found this local vendor, who is known by many for his embroidering skills.Â He has a persona defined not only by a printing iron, but by his altruistic philosophies as well.
He lives a simple life in Lexington. With moral objections to the domestication of animals, he prefers to tend to the abundance of birds that, in return for a yearly offering of “500 to 700 pounds of bird seed, grace him with their presence every day.
Blue jays, cardinals, and pigeons come flocking, united to receive their daily sustenance from this extraordinarily generous man.
This man doesn’t feed the birds merely from the kindness of his heart, but also from an adherence to his belief in the “superiority of animals to humans because their history involves no enslavement, genocide, or wars.
While many eat excessively, this man does not “live to eat, but simply “eats to live.
This lack of gluttony, however, does not impede on his ability to uphold philanthropic standards. An advocate of universal health care, he admonishes profiteering from the sick and disabled.
A secular universalist, he hopes the boundaries that divide mankind will one day disintegrate, and humans, like the animals whom he reveres and feeds, will form “one united nation.
Towering shelves define the aisles of this friendly store. Color, team, and size divide the numerous types of merchandise.
Although hard to find, hidden gems, such as retro tennis sweatshirts, step squad sweatpants, and GULASH t-shirts (able to be prepared in under five minutes), distinguish this store from the common sports outlet.
Yes, we understand the common chowderhead may not appreciate some aspects of this article: our decision to reveal morals behind such a fine, gentle man while withholding his identity.
To refine our collective moral compass, however, we, as a society, must learn to appreciate one’s “principles¦not [one's] personality.
Of whom do we speak so highly?
Adolph – from Adolph’s Sporting Goods.
As long as it does not clearly hinder the survival of our species in general, selfishness cannot be looked at as an unnatural or unjustified trait.
From this reasoning arises the mindset of many US citizens regarding public school systems in our country. “Unselfishly, our modern day suburban community permits urban schools to receive a disproportionate amount of funding, a funding they do not “deserve, but rather a funding we donate to them out of generosity.
Their participants contributing significantly fewer tax dollars than suburban citizens, urban schools are lucky to be receiving the amount of state and federal aid they receive.
To shift our states’ or nation’s funding priorities even more towards urban schools than what they are now is, according to the reasoning above, an “unnatural thought.
A distribution so incommensurate to the amount contributed conflicts strongly with the “natural instinct and “right of self-preservation.
The justification of selfishness must be reexamined: although an evolutionary mindset justifies selfishness, it does not necessarily deem it the most advantageous course of action.
Unselfishness, when used appropriately, distinguishes humans from other animals. Humans possess an ability to look at issues from an extraordinarily broad viewpoint; if an effort is made, an individual human can determine, and act accordingly with, what is best for a population, even our species in general, rather than what is best for that individual.
By prioritizing communal-interest over self-interest, humans take a step closer to overall species survival, the most pressing evolutionary matter.
Of course, holding humans to such an ideal and organic principle all the time is impractical. With certain issues, though, to strive for such unselfish ideals is necessary.
Education, which, in large part, determines the ability for individuals to elevate themselves in society, to put themselves in a place where they “rightfully and “naturally deserve the fruits of our taxation system, requires an altruistic standard.
To allow unequal education in a society is to allow unequal opportunity for its citizens, an idea that contradicts the basis of our country.
Education, the primary force in enabling economic mobility, must be provided equally throughout society. If not, society deprives those born into less affluent environments of fair opportunity to bring themselves out of their desolate environments, an opportunity stressed so highly in our country because of its evolutionary relevance.
By putting the lower class in a perpetual cycle, the denial of equal education degrades the species as a whole, no matter how much “self worth and “self-interest the upper and middle classes salvage.
To treat education fairly, to treat it in the most evolutionarily advantageous way, we must make an effort to be guided less by the accessible justifications of self-interest and more with the responsible open-minded objective of our whole society’s success.
In all facets, a broader perspective will benefit the collective well being of our society, and therefore promote our most basic objective as humans.
To encourage the redistribution of federal or state funds in a manner more adherent to areas’ needs rather than areas’ monetary contributions is to espouse this mindset.
To regard local educational funding issues from a viewpoint that considers Newtonians and Bostonians as one people that deserves equal educational opportunity, a viewpoint that does not promote state funding for a $200 million “state of the art high school while Boston’s graduation rate is 58% (no matter how “deserving we are of this high school), is to espouse this mindset.
The viewpoint I encourage implies drastic changes to the way our city and our country view education, changes likely to occur neither easily nor soon.
But this is no reason for our society to weaken ideals; humans are not only distinctive because of their broad-minded and altruistic possibilities, but also because of their will to fight for merely a concept.]]>
As Valentine’s Day approached, Trigger, feeling the romantic tingling that always arises within a man who lives a self-proclaimed “magnum lifestyle, searched for that special “shawty. Although he started with high hopes, his ascending libido soon sputtered into a desperate free-fall.
Trigger began the day by approaching a group of eligible “shawties, who he believed were “lookin’ at [him] all naughty. His “swagger on a hundred thousand trillion, Trigger inquired as to which “shawty would accompany him back to his domicile: “Which one of y’all goin’ home wit Trigger? Met by nothing but blank stares, Trigger persisted: “Baby, wassup? To his surprise, he received a substantially more affectionate response to his persistence; while he expected a cordial handshake, he instead received a warm hug from a desirable bachelorette, a hug that gave him a “lil’ buzz.
Pursuing the success of his flirtation, Trigger defiantly proclaimed: “off to the crib, shawty! Noticing her slight hesitation, which was clearly a result of his forceful assertion, Trigger attempted to ease her qualms by asking her to “sit back, relax, and hold up. His efforts to soothe the tension proved to be unsuccessful; the demands, although well intended, only served to increase his potential mate’s uncertainties. Again sensing a growing strain in their interaction, Trigger himself grew anxious; he needed to assure his partner that she would have a satisfactory Valentine’s Day. He urgently promised: “Girl, you gon’ think I invented sex! Astounded by Trigger’s distress and the resulting misogynistic attitude, the bachelorette immediately stormed off in disgust.
Trigger, bewildered by the abrupt departure of such a promising “shawty, went home (by himself </3) to ponder his misfortunes as well as what lay ahead on this promising day. Walking past his kitchen mirror, he caught a quick glimpse of himself and immediately doubled-back to the mirror, transfixed by the visage of a man who, he believed, had “invented sex. Trigger reassured himself of his masculinity: “Trigga da best! Shawties love Trigga! His libido recharged and rising, Trigger embarked on another romantic endeavor.
Trigger hailed a cab to the “Love Shack, a local hotspot that he expected to be crawling with “shawties. Still filled with self-generated machismo, Trigger ordered “lobster and SHRIMP(!!!) and a glass of moscato, and waited with the disillusioned hope that many “shawties would approach such an overbearingly affluent man. As the night continued, Trigger witnessed many-a-“shawtie pass over him and his offering of decorative delicacies for men who were clearly more parsimonious than he. With insecurities arising again, Trigger responded with extravagant impulse: he spotted a group of enticing “shawties sitting at an adjacent table, and purchased a surfeit of food and alcoholic beverages to win their affection. Along with the victuals, Trigger included a forceful written demand to “finish the whole bottle, and furthermore to “show [him] where [their] tats at.
The “shawties received the presents with frivolity, which upset Trigger greatly. He had expected the “shawties to be humbled by his overwhelming graciousness, and with this disappointment grew angst. His insecurities having taken over his self-control, Trigger suddenly jumpedÂ up and flipped his table over. The groovy, lax atmosphere that characterized the club suddenly ceased to exist as all eyes fell on Trigger and the upturned table.
Trigger, now realizing his overreaction, became markedly embarrassed and made an attempt to justify his actions: “Trigga bought them dinna! How they gon’ laugh at Trigga?
Trigger’s audience continued to stare, perplexed. Their inability to recognize his graciousness made Trigger even more uneasy. His insecurities that had accumulated throughout the day had reached a boiling point; Trigger snapped: “Ladies should be lovin’ Trigga! Trigga will give [them] the credit card, and baby, [they] can max it out!
Among the dumbfounded audience, one man dared to pose the question that was present in all their minds: “Excuse me, but who is this ‘ËœTrigger’ of whom you speak so highly?
Trigger responded in a desperate and final rebuttal: “I’s Trigga! Don’t you know Trigga? Trigga invented sex!!! His final remarks were met by roaring laughter, and Trigger dashed out of the club, his ego shattered, and, for a moment, began to even question whether he truly “invented sex; however, this ridiculous doubt soon passed.
No matter how unfortunate your Valentine’s Day was, just know that Trigger’s was worse. Did you doubt the notion that you “invented sex? We really don’t think so.]]>