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Denebola » Adam Sachs http://www.denebolaonline.net The Award-Winning, Official School Newspaper of Newton South High School, Newton, MA Fri, 17 Jun 2011 02:00:19 +0000 en hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.0.2 View from the Top: Jeff Hurray, Colby Medoff, Adam Sachs, and Maarten van Genabeek http://www.denebolaonline.net/2011/03/23/view-from-the-top-jeff-hurray-colby-medoff-adam-sachs-and-maarten-van-genabeek/ http://www.denebolaonline.net/2011/03/23/view-from-the-top-jeff-hurray-colby-medoff-adam-sachs-and-maarten-van-genabeek/#comments Wed, 23 Mar 2011 05:26:37 +0000 Jeff Hurray http://www.denebolaonline.net/?p=5674 Underclassmen: We feel the best way to give you advice on your journey through South is to share a recent diary entry of ours.
Dear Diary,
Haa y’dah? It’s been a long time since we last talked. The past week sure was action packed.
There was so much action! To our knowledge, it has been a South senior pastime to act out Lord of the Rings scenes. So, we were reenacting the siege of Helm’s Deep in my friend Alex’s basement, trying to resist the Newton bubble. We were chilling…
The Orcs advanced from Isenbach-gard (OMG how is Ecuador????), all bearing the mark of the white hand of Kurland-man. Fear and famine struck us on the first night. Luckily, no one was hungry for the being.
On the second day, we were saved! Smeagol made a pizza…ha haaa, she was hungry. But alas, we were attacked by general turtle and his army of goofy-haired Orcs.
Shoot, what a dingus! Little did he know that we too had a secret weapon, the invincible Rolando. Trained as a “junior UFC,” he crushed General Turtle’s army with his Brazilian might…stupid snoils.
Night fell and silence took the deep. The oracle’s voice echoed through the stone walls, posing the most crucial and philosophical of questions: Who is the sexiest girl of Brown ‘07? Why is Colby in the class of 2011?
These questions were too much for our feeble hobbit minds to handle, so we left Alex’s basement to get food.
We craved cereal, but the measly portions of milk allowed by our otherwise gracious host forced us to go out to eat. We took the T to Anna’s Tacqueria. It was pretty good.
But enough of this tomfoolery; we had to get back to the most pressing issues: Helm’s deep was under attack and the people of Rohan needed our help!
We realized that the key to victory was addressing the Oracle’s questions. We determined the first question was pointless and not worth addressing–everyone knows the Brown ‘07 girls are equally attractive.
But the second question: oh how it loomed over our minds…We fell into a deep sleep, and in our dreams we saw a trio of seductive temptresses.
It was at this moment that our dream was encompassed by moisture.
They swooped in on a dragon’s back, and introduced themselves: “I am the Red Fox. These are my sisters, Horned Toad and Snow Owl. If you seek to answer the Oracle’s question, you must first cite all of your sources.”
Not having access to EasyBib in Alex’s basement, we were at a loss.
It was the fourth night, and we decided to seek council with our lord and savior, Grace Ross. She informed us that on the dawn of the fifth day, we should look to the east and we would be saved from the vicious army of Orcs frolicking outside.
Awaking on the dawn of the fifth day, we followed her gubernatorial edict and looked to the east. Low and behold, a door flew open and there he was, Marc, the father of our friend Alex, riding his glorious white steed Cali.
He yelled to us, “What the hell are you still doing in my basement? It’s been five days!” He kicked us all out, but we knew that deep down inside he wanted to play LOTR too.
We left in satisfaction, knowing we had defeated the Orcs, and completed our quest. All was well in the shire.
It should honestly be pretty obvious how this applies to your current and future lives at South. If not, find the red fox; she will show you the way.

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A Word on Leaks http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/12/06/a-word-on-leaks/ http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/12/06/a-word-on-leaks/#comments Mon, 06 Dec 2010 10:10:41 +0000 Jeff Hurray http://www.denebolaonline.net/?p=5128 With all of the recent controversy surrounding WikiLeaks, it may strike some as ironic that we have a leak of our own.
No, we’re not talking about the leaks discussed on South Park ([URINE] COMING OUT OF MY [REAR]!!!). Rather, one involving the recent discovery of a diary belonging one of South’s own administrators.
Our findings were indeed “leaks, although a bit more hygienic than those previously assumed. Based on the classified information in the diary, we have come to a conclusion: it must belong to someone at the administrative level.
Because we lack moral decency, we’ve decided to discuss the most interesting, bowel moving, and disturbing elements of the diary.
To begin, we found stunning evidence that the administration’s sole goal on Powderpuff day was to “eliminate any traces of competition, school spirit, or fun from the day. Just as shocking, the diary’s author outlined an agreement with the referees of the game to make every call possible against the seniors.
The author also spoke of the administration’s elaborate and secretive system set up to observe students’ Facebook profiles (friending “Newton South High School may have been a bad choice). Furthermore, the Newton South D-Team, Newton South Crisis Team, and Newton South High School Varsity Hip-Hop Dance Team have collaborated with the technology department in an effort to create an algorithm that would match up students with their Facebook aliases’€so far, all they’ve found is “Maaten.
Also hindering their efforts has been the recent change to cartoon character profile pictures. Trying to appeal to the trendy youth, the administration changed its picture to an image of Homer Simpson choking Bart. Unfortunately for them, they didn’t realize why this trend started.
The author also provided a splendid array of random thoughts and non-sequitors about recent and future events.
In response to the recent Patriots whooping of the Jets, a single phrase was written: “HUZZAH! There was also a crudely drawn stick figure portrait of Tom Brady eating Rex Ryan’s face (while Rexy ate “a goddamn snack). The author also elaborated on an enjoyable Thanksgiving: “It was so nice. I ate a buttload of ill Turkey and [defecated] my brains out.
The author seemed to have a peculiar obsession with the Harry Potter series, noting “I respect Voldermort’s administrative qualities.
“BTW, writes the author, I’m sooooo excited for the Eule Ball!!! Already bought an authentic robe
Strangely, the administrator seems to still live with “Mommy and Pap-Pap, and continues to receive rather juvenile gifts from them for the holidays. This year he/she hopes to receive “that gnarly Hess fighter-plane-on-truck, the new Hotwheels collection, a new security camera, and, like, sooooo much k’nex.
Lastly, the author seemed to really like Bob’s Sub Shop, but used confusing language to convey his/her adoration. How someone can “get Bob’s while driving to the actual restaurant still confounds us.
If you’re the administrator that this diary belongs to, feel free to contact us if you want your diary back. We won’t apologize for publishing your most private thoughts, but we will apologize for cleaning up the aftermath of our Thanksgiving dinners with the last couple pages :-/.
If it brings you any solace our good friend “Xzibit would like to share some thought provoking words: “I was basically called at the spur of the moment. I was called in for a cameo. I didn’t have a lot of preparation.
Amen brotha; Eamonn.

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Words from our Hearts http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/10/28/words-from-our-hearts/ http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/10/28/words-from-our-hearts/#comments Thu, 28 Oct 2010 10:00:51 +0000 Jeff Hurray http://www.denebolaonline.net/?p=4798 Where do you like to reflect upon yourself? You know, that special place where you can let your hair down, say anything crazy’€that special place where you feel safe, for there is always someone to help you. We’re talking about home. For us, that place is Newton South.
From the moment we stepped into former Principal Salzer’s metaphorical embrace, we’ve felt that South has been there for us. This rare sense of security and trust has come from our willingness to play by the rules: because we have learned to oblige by all policies and not question administrator’s decision-making, we now feel utterly comfortable here. That’s what true trust is’€blindly accepting another’s decision! We’d just like to thank the school for some outstanding policies that we feel need to be recognized.
Hallway cell phone use is dangerous and destructive! Many a child have been seriously maimed or burned, among other injuries, simply from keeping their heads down while texting in both crowded and empty hallways. It is ludicrous that some students feel they deserve the right to use cell phones while walking down the hall, even if it’s in a manner that doesn’t harm anyone else. Teachers who prevent this lethal and foolish activity should be garnished in parsley for their heroic actions.
The school has exhibited flawless fiscal responsibility. Trust us, we have tried for hours, days, months, to find any reason for having bought aprojector in the cafeteria. We truthfully can’t say that we found a reason, but there’s just gotta be one!!! This is what we’re talking about, that blind trust in our school. It’s magical. I’m a demon. Another great use of money is our dazzling language lab. We think everyone agrees that talking to someone across a classroom through a headset improves one’s language skills infinitely more than an outdated face-to-face conversation. It just makes sense.
Excused tardiness haunts our dreams. The mere thought of a student coming into class 5 minutes late with his/her parent’s permission gives us chills and night terrors. We don’t care if your parents didn’t wake you up on time, weren’t able to drive you, or were stuck in the bathroom acting out the aftermath of a Bacon Club Chalupa value meal; if you aren’t on time, you deserve punishment. No exceptions. Treating these issues with regard to circumstance is simply illogical! Parents should in no way be responsible for their children. Parents should not eat taco bell (on a school night).
We need security cameras more than we need constitutional rights. Do you want your wallet stolen? Shut up! Don’t even argue! Now instead of hundreds of suspects for locker room theft, there will be merely dozens! Besides, you’re always supposed to act as if you’re being watched, so who cares? (FYI: If you care, you’re morally corrupt.) Speaking of morally corrupt, what’s with those insensitive heathens who run for class office and don’t deliver an informative, formulaic speech? Curse them. Class office is serious. Fun is the antichrist!
Basically what we’re trying to say is that we love our school, and you should too. If you think a policy is illogical or unfair, just understand that you’re wrong. Conformity is always the best solution to a messy situation (Bacon Club Chalupas included). Our Founding Fathers fought for our right to conform. As Thomas Jefferson said, “Marsupials: Revolutions are fun, therefore they stink. Therefore don’t do it. Although Jefferson is a highly influential, enlightened figure, we feel that another man speaks more eloquently than he: “I ain’t got no beef with the east coast. I just think it’s being hyped up. –Ice T.

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Rimm: A Senior’s Senior http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/09/30/rimm-a-seniors-senior/ http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/09/30/rimm-a-seniors-senior/#comments Thu, 30 Sep 2010 10:00:25 +0000 Jeff Hurray http://www.denebolaonline.net/?p=4721 Hi, marsupials. Last year, our column received mixed reception, coming fully to our attention in the beginning of summer, when our moms collectively held an intervention for us both demanding from us to: “Cut the crap, ya turkey! “Quit bein’ a dingus!
Henceforth, we had a dark summer’€things stopped going our way: we lost our shared set of skin-toned crayons; all of our pets died, simultaneously and painfully; I pooped my pants (we’re too embarrassed to admit which one of us); most tragically, we suffered from ravenous night terrors.
So no more monkey business’€we’re going to be serious this year. We want to write something relatable and relevant. Our first subject: the empathetic Rimm Tarrington.
Name: Rimm Tarrington
A/S/L: 15/not until marriage/Newton, MA
Favorite Topics: Horsetails! Chivalry! Cyber-bullying awareness!
Favorite Quotation: “The only thing we have to fear is empathetic cyber-bullying itself.
-Franklin D. Roosevelt
Hidden Talents: Riot prevention, empathy.
“Holy mackerel, is that Christ? were the first words we heard as we accompanied Rimm into South on his first day.
Rimm: *sigh* what a concept. His body is composed of 25% water, 25% empathy, 60% testosterone, -10% fear.  We realized one thing: he must be ours’€he must be a senior.
We will take him out to lunch in the Caddy every day. We will escort him to sporting events, and allow him to taunt obnoxiously (HAAA Y’DAHH?!). We will give him jobs specific to his name. We will brainwash him into realizing the immaturity of freshman. If all goes as planned we will mold him into the senior that he mentally is.
Once this is completed we shall initiate him with an avatar-style rebirth in our most sacred domain: The Commons. If the administration won’t let him graduate without the required credits, we will simply remind them that he is now a senior: shut up.
 If any freshman would like to follow in Rimm’s transcendent footsteps, please prove to us that you have what it takes to be a SENIOR!!! Here are the most basic requirements:
1) One must pass a Sen11or Citizenship Exam, demonstrating a thorough understanding of history through the senior perspective.
EX) Question: “How did the founding fathers reach the Great Compromise? Answer: “They were probably seniors.
2) One must be a chiller.
EX) Rimm: “Sup, I’m a chiller’€and an empathizer.
3) One must be on a perpetual quest for a dragon to slay.
(Goose 13:9 : The Great Goose decreed that in his absence, every weekend there must be a dragon sacrificed for a chiller to slay¦. )
EX: Rimm: “Don’t blame me sweetheart; blame it on The Goose.
But hey, we’re not here to talk about seniors! We’re here to give you Rimm’€the man, the legend, the empathetic Bunker Hill vet. Fear, not marsupials: although he probably deserves to, Rimm does not wish to disturb the delicate social hierarchy already established before his grandiose entrance. Instead, he plans to brighten the South community with his saintly demeanor, preach the code of the chivalrous, and touch us all with the tender membrane of his cherubic heart. After all is said, there’s only one thing to know about Rimm: he knows how you feel.

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2010: A Dad’s Odyssey http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/06/10/2010-a-dads-odyssey/ http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/06/10/2010-a-dads-odyssey/#comments Thu, 10 Jun 2010 08:04:29 +0000 Jeff Hurray http://www.denebolaonline.net/?p=4504 Yola! Although our last article didn’t make the cut, we’ve come back with more refinement and class (NO SPHINCTERS!). Summers coming!

Thankfully, not on j-block, but the sun is out and not shining, the birds are chirping (Adolph is happy), I’m a demon, and those without camp, jobs, or elaborate teen (shopping) tours to California may become lost in the overbearing heat and inactivity that summer brings.

For this “unfortunate group, the following quotations and our subsequent elaborations should help to make you the more “fortunate group.

“I want to meet that dad.’€Mother Theresa

Get to know local dads. Generally warm and knowledgeable characters, dads will surely enhance your summer experience. Most summer days are great “dad days’€you know, just relax, barbeque some brisket, mow the lawn, share some links, the usual. Often you find dads standing on the uppermost row of bleacher seats at Little League games, congregated within a ten-foot radius of propane grills, or checkin’ out the newest wood grains at National Lumber. Dads!

“Haha, I need a massage.’€Regis Philbin (are you serious?)

The summer heat wears down on us, leaving us all pooped. What better than to rejuvenate your aching muscles than a sensual massage?

Massage Envy on Needham street is the more conventional choice, but persistently asking strangers (or those aforementioned local dads) keeps things interesting.

“And when I was five my favorite movie was Gremlins, ain’t got [bowel movement] to do with this but I just thought that I should mention’€Barbara Streisand
Gremlins is an American comedy horror film directed by Joe Dante and released in 1984 by Warner Bros. It is about a young man who receives a strange creature (called a mogwai) named Gizmo as a pet, which then spawns other creatures who transform into small, destructive, evil monsters. *Watch this! Go Pawsox!

“I love my lady’€yup, yup: I love my chick.’€Freddy Adu

Spend some time with an intimate human companion. If not that, then try a newborn chicken. Both types of relationships promise to bring an unparalleled amount of joy and fulfillment to your otherwise humdrum summer days.

“And the party’s still jumping ‘Ëœcause my mama ain’t home’€Kenny G

Host a social event! Chicks and dads will undoubtedly be impressed with your generosity and amicability. Make sure there are enough wholesome activities to entertain guests. We suggest croquet, duck-duck-goose, 52 card pickup, beanbag toss, and maybe, if they’re feeling up to it, some sad dad dancing. These activities tend to cause a ruckus, so make sure “Mama ain’t home!

Note: When your mom is home, however, make sure to take advantage of her presence. If you demonstrate to her your love of topics and family enjoyment, not only will she be more willing to leave you alone to have those parties, but your familial bond will be strengthened.
“She even wear her hair down her back like mine.’€Benjamin Franklin

Get a haircut, ya doofus!

So please: meet some dads, watch Gremlins, and toss that beanbag.

*Description taken from Wikipedia.

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This goes out to the (beautiful) chowder-heads http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/04/14/this-goes-out-to-the-beautiful-chowder-heads/ http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/04/14/this-goes-out-to-the-beautiful-chowder-heads/#comments Wed, 14 Apr 2010 06:22:36 +0000 Jeff Hurray http://www.denebolaonline.net/?p=4088 We will embark on a rather serious note for this column.

Whereas Trigger was a facet of our imagination, we will now ground ourselves in reality in order to please all you unimaginative chowderheads who received our last column poorly. We will proceed to tell you about a man: a man’s man, a woman’s man and a friend to animals and people alike.

In our short visit to his cozy boutique, we found this local vendor, who is known by many for his embroidering skills.  He has a persona defined not only by a printing iron, but by his altruistic philosophies as well.

He lives a simple life in Lexington. With moral objections to the domestication of animals, he prefers to tend to the abundance of birds that, in return for a yearly offering of “500 to 700 pounds of bird seed, grace him with their presence every day.

Blue jays, cardinals, and pigeons come flocking, united to receive their daily sustenance from this extraordinarily generous man.

This man doesn’t feed the birds merely from the kindness of his heart, but also from an adherence to his belief in the “superiority of animals to humans because their history involves no enslavement, genocide, or wars.

While many eat excessively, this man does not “live to eat, but simply “eats to live.

This lack of gluttony, however, does not impede on his ability to uphold philanthropic standards. An advocate of universal health care, he admonishes profiteering from the sick and disabled.

A secular universalist, he hopes the boundaries that divide mankind will one day disintegrate, and humans, like the animals whom he reveres and feeds, will form “one united nation.

Towering shelves define the aisles of this friendly store. Color, team, and size divide the numerous types of merchandise.

Although hard to find, hidden gems, such as retro tennis sweatshirts, step squad sweatpants, and GULASH t-shirts (able to be prepared in under five minutes), distinguish this store from the common sports outlet.

Yes, we understand the common chowderhead may not appreciate some aspects of this article: our decision to reveal morals behind such a fine, gentle man while withholding his identity.

To refine our collective moral compass, however, we, as a society, must learn to appreciate one’s “principles¦not [one's] personality.

Of whom do we speak so highly?

Adolph – from Adolph’s Sporting Goods.

XD


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Redistribution of funding key part of education reform http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/04/14/redistribution-of-funding-key-part-of-education-reform/ http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/04/14/redistribution-of-funding-key-part-of-education-reform/#comments Wed, 14 Apr 2010 04:22:03 +0000 Adam Sachs http://www.denebolaonline.net/?p=4081 When thought of as animals in an evolutionary process, which indeed they are, humans have every right to be selfish: self-survival in order to pass on one’s traits is the primary purpose of any evolving organism.
Naturally, most humans put their self-interest at the forefront of their mind, looking to fulfill their evolutionary goal of living to reproduce.

As long as it does not clearly hinder the survival of our species in general, selfishness cannot be looked at as an unnatural or unjustified trait.

From this reasoning arises the mindset of many US citizens regarding public school systems in our country. “Unselfishly, our modern day suburban community permits urban schools to receive a disproportionate amount of funding, a funding they do not “deserve, but rather a funding we donate to them out of generosity.

Their participants contributing significantly fewer tax dollars than suburban citizens, urban schools are lucky to be receiving the amount of state and federal aid they receive.

To shift our states’ or nation’s funding priorities even more towards urban schools than what they are now is, according to the reasoning above, an “unnatural thought.

A distribution so incommensurate to the amount contributed conflicts strongly with the “natural instinct and “right of self-preservation.

The justification of selfishness must be reexamined: although an evolutionary mindset justifies selfishness, it does not necessarily deem it the most advantageous course of action.

Unselfishness, when used appropriately, distinguishes humans from other animals. Humans possess an ability to look at issues from an extraordinarily broad viewpoint; if an effort is made, an individual human can determine, and act accordingly with, what is best for a population, even our species in general, rather than what is best for that individual.

By prioritizing communal-interest over self-interest, humans take a step closer to overall species survival, the most pressing evolutionary matter.

Of course, holding humans to such an ideal and organic principle all the time is impractical. With certain issues, though, to strive for such unselfish ideals is necessary.

Education, which, in large part, determines the ability for individuals to elevate themselves in society, to put themselves in a place where they “rightfully and “naturally deserve the fruits of our taxation system, requires an altruistic standard.

To allow unequal education in a society is to allow unequal opportunity for its citizens, an idea that contradicts the basis of our country.

Education, the primary force in enabling economic mobility, must be provided equally throughout society. If not, society deprives those born into less affluent environments of fair opportunity to bring themselves out of their desolate environments, an opportunity stressed so highly in our country because of its evolutionary relevance.

By putting the lower class in a perpetual cycle, the denial of equal education degrades the species as a whole, no matter how much “self worth and “self-interest the upper and middle classes salvage.

To treat education fairly, to treat it in the most evolutionarily advantageous way, we must make an effort to be guided less by the accessible justifications of self-interest and more with the responsible open-minded objective of our whole society’s success.

In all facets, a broader perspective will benefit the collective well being of our society, and therefore promote our most basic objective as humans.

To encourage the redistribution of federal or state funds in a manner more adherent to areas’ needs rather than areas’ monetary contributions is to espouse this mindset.

To regard local educational funding issues from a viewpoint that considers Newtonians and Bostonians as one people that deserves equal educational opportunity, a viewpoint that does not promote state funding for a $200 million “state of the art high school while Boston’s graduation rate is 58% (no matter how “deserving we are of this high school), is to espouse this mindset.

The viewpoint I encourage implies drastic changes to the way our city and our country view education, changes likely to occur neither easily nor soon.

But this is no reason for our society to weaken ideals; humans are not only distinctive because of their broad-minded and altruistic possibilities, but also because of their will to fight for merely a concept.

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Hi there!:) “This Goes Out To The Beautiful Girls” http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/03/24/hi-there-this-goes-out-to-the-beautiful-girls/ http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/03/24/hi-there-this-goes-out-to-the-beautiful-girls/#comments Wed, 24 Mar 2010 08:13:04 +0000 Adam Sachs http://www.denebolaonline.net/?p=3845 Don’t fret if you fell upon some hard times on Valentine’s Day; our good friend Trigger had it worse. Forgotten gifts and missed dates don’t compare to the hardships of Trigger’s arduous campaign for love.

As Valentine’s Day approached, Trigger, feeling the romantic tingling that always arises within a man who lives a self-proclaimed “magnum lifestyle, searched for that special “shawty. Although he started with high hopes, his ascending libido soon sputtered into a desperate free-fall.

Trigger began the day by approaching a group of eligible “shawties, who he believed were “lookin’ at [him] all naughty. His “swagger on a hundred thousand trillion, Trigger inquired as to which “shawty would accompany him back to his domicile: “Which one of y’all goin’ home wit Trigger? Met by nothing but blank stares, Trigger persisted: “Baby, wassup? To his surprise, he received a substantially more affectionate response to his persistence; while he expected a cordial handshake, he instead received a warm hug from a desirable bachelorette, a hug that gave him a “lil’ buzz.

Pursuing the success of his flirtation, Trigger defiantly proclaimed: “off to the crib, shawty! Noticing her slight hesitation, which was clearly a result of his forceful assertion, Trigger attempted to ease her qualms by asking her to “sit back, relax, and hold up. His efforts to soothe the tension proved to be unsuccessful; the demands, although well intended, only served to increase his potential mate’s uncertainties. Again sensing a growing strain in their interaction, Trigger himself grew anxious; he needed to assure his partner that she would have a satisfactory Valentine’s Day. He urgently promised: “Girl, you gon’ think I invented sex! Astounded by Trigger’s distress and the resulting misogynistic attitude, the bachelorette immediately stormed off in disgust.

Trigger, bewildered by the abrupt departure of such a promising “shawty, went home (by himself </3) to ponder his misfortunes as well as what lay ahead on this promising day. Walking past his kitchen mirror, he caught a quick glimpse of himself and immediately doubled-back to the mirror, transfixed by the visage of a man who, he believed, had “invented sex. Trigger reassured himself of his masculinity: “Trigga da best! Shawties love Trigga! His libido recharged and rising, Trigger embarked on another romantic endeavor.

Trigger hailed a cab to the “Love Shack, a local hotspot that he expected to be crawling with “shawties. Still filled with self-generated machismo, Trigger ordered “lobster and SHRIMP(!!!) and a glass of moscato, and waited with the disillusioned hope that many “shawties would approach such an overbearingly affluent man. As the night continued, Trigger witnessed many-a-“shawtie pass over him and his offering of decorative delicacies for men who were clearly more parsimonious than he. With insecurities arising again, Trigger responded with extravagant impulse: he spotted a group of enticing “shawties sitting at an adjacent table, and purchased a surfeit of food and alcoholic beverages to win their affection. Along with the victuals, Trigger included a forceful written demand to “finish the whole bottle, and furthermore to “show [him] where [their] tats at.

The “shawties received the presents with frivolity, which upset Trigger greatly. He had expected the “shawties to be humbled by his overwhelming graciousness, and with this disappointment grew angst. His insecurities having taken over his self-control, Trigger suddenly jumped up and flipped his table over. The groovy, lax atmosphere that characterized the club suddenly ceased to exist as all eyes fell on Trigger and the upturned table.

Trigger, now realizing his overreaction, became markedly embarrassed and made an attempt to justify his actions: “Trigga bought them dinna! How they gon’ laugh at Trigga?

Trigger’s audience continued to stare, perplexed. Their inability to recognize his graciousness made Trigger even more uneasy. His insecurities that had accumulated throughout the day had reached a boiling point; Trigger snapped: “Ladies should be lovin’ Trigga! Trigga will give [them] the credit card, and baby, [they] can max it out!

Among the dumbfounded audience, one man dared to pose the question that was present in all their minds: “Excuse me, but who is this ‘ËœTrigger’ of whom you speak so highly?

Trigger responded in a desperate and final rebuttal: “I’s Trigga! Don’t you know Trigga? Trigga invented sex!!! His final remarks were met by roaring laughter, and Trigger dashed out of the club, his ego shattered, and, for a moment, began to even question whether he truly “invented sex; however, this ridiculous doubt soon passed.

No matter how unfortunate your Valentine’s Day was, just know that Trigger’s was worse. Did you doubt the notion that you “invented sex? We really don’t think so.

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