The great log toss

By Kaleb Alperin and Max Levine
Published: December 2010

Hola amigos! Je m’appelle Français!
This is probably not a good idea, but we chose a sport in which you must dawn kilt in the midst of November. Back from our recent trip to Scotland, we found a new impressive sport that only the manliest of the men pursue.
The sport of caber tossing originated in the highlands of Scotland in 1574.
The sport requires that one Scotsman toss a 19’6 tall, 175-pound log, or caber, as far as possible while having it land pointing straight ahead, with the top closest to him.
As usual, when we saw the sport, we called mini Snax and his posse to assemble once again at the Levine residence. We decided that the backyard of the Snax residence would suffice due to the shear mass of our cabers and the size of the contestants.
Mega Snax had been trimming the trees in the back yard, and after underestimating his own strength, he chopped down the mightiest of all trees in Newton Highlands. We decided to take a branch from the mighty oak and use it as our caber.
First up was Max Cooper, who last month demonstrated his underdeveloped cerebellum by tripping over a root while attempting to waiter race. As an experiment, we had disabled his hypothalamus and as a result, he had no motivation to pick up the caber, let alone throw it.
Consequently, he was disqualified and told to go home; however, he had no motivation to leave so we “gently transported him to the sidewalk and left him there. Once again, we have no sympathy for those who have a disabled hypothalamus.
Mini Snax was next, his hand dexterity refined due to the hours of Call of Duty: Black Ops gaming, making sure to play three hours a night. Stepping up to the line, he oozed swagger and confidence, and in one full swoop, he launched the caber a distant two meters.
The next three competitors threw the caber a distance of four, seven, and nine meters, respectively, knocking Mini Snax out of the competition. In accordance with caber tossing rules, we had to move him to the street, where he joined his friend.
We proceeded to the final round, where the top two of the remaining three advanced to the “caber showdown.
The first contestant lost his grip on the caber and accidentally launched the caber behind him, directly at Max Cooper who had wandered back into the backyard. Being that his cerebellum was underdeveloped and his hypothalamus was disabled, he had neither the coordination nor motivation to move out of the way of the flying caber that struck him on the head.
Throwing the caber backwards resulted in a negative score followed by a disqualification; all the final contestant had to do was simply move the caber forward. However, in his attempt to fling the caber, his biceps tore at both the insertion and origin, causing his bicep to fall off the humerus and causing a complete compound fracture.
The caber fell directly in front of him, but fell backwards, resulting in negative distance, a broken foot, and a disqualification.
In the fine comforts of the Newton-Wellesley Hospital Emergency Hospital, we announced the winner of the inaugural 2010 Newton Highlands Caber Tossing Competition. The results were that in fact there was no winner and that this would most likely be the last caber toss for us and our fearless competitors.
From this experience, we have learned that you must handle your wood with care and respect; treating your wood with disrespect can certainly land you in the hospital.

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