Editorials and Opinions

Shamed seniors shafted by cold cut

By Tony Wang
Published: December 2010

As we all heard during the school-wide This I Believe assembly, principal Joel Stembridge echoed the school’s thoughts when he said, “We love our school. And really, we should. What other school in the state, in the country, oh what the heck, in the world, has an entire bulletin board dedicated to the hind legs of a hog?
Yes, I am talking of none other than the legendary Wall of Ham, the wall that I worship and praise to be the epitome of South Spirit, just barely edging out the incredibly successful Crazy Fridays.
Seriously though, this had some serious potential? Imagine it now: Ham Fridays, show off your inner cHAMpion! Or what about Ham Competition: Bring sHAMe to Lady Gaga and her MTV outfit!
Everyone says school spirit is so important to foster a good learning environment or whatnot. “School spirit activity is one of the best ways to bring students and teachers together in a positive learning environment, Bob Sheldon said, on his website that encourages school spirit. Attending school games or wearing school apparel may be too much for the common individual to bear, but something like a ham hat or ham purse shouldn’t blow anyone’s mind away. Sometimes, the absurdity of simplicity is beautiful.
But of course, we all know why school spirit is working so well at South. As Sheldon mentioned, teachers are key in developing school spirit. HAMlet galore, English teachers! History teachers, a chapter devoted to Alexander HAMilton, please. And whatever happened to AP sHAManism? Chemistry teachers, it’s about time we started using cyclophospHAMide and etHAMbutol. Math teachers, we must pay our respects to MuHAMmad ibn MÅ«sÁ al-KhwÁrizmë, who first presented the systematic solution of linear and quadratic equations (google him, he’s real). Clearly, teachers are the key to developing a spirited student body.
But why am I writing all this? This really shouldn’t be necessary. Ever since our childhood days, Dr. Seuss has encouraged green eggs and HAM. Sports fans have idolized Mia HAMm and David BeckHAM. For half of my high school years, I’ve tried to distract myself with more productive things, like colleges and the SATs. One day, I decided to take the Princeton Review’s SAT practice test. After a strenuous four hours of long passages, essays, charts and diagrams, and sentence completions (alpHAMeric? Say what?), I was ready to turn my test sheet in, so I began to sign the certification statement at the bottom of the page, only to find myself writing, “I HAM what I HAM.
I’ll be honest, it made my day.
Clearly, all this talk of ham has made you hungry now. No problem, take a bite out of your ham pants. Ewwww, that’s gross! Next time you’re in the lunch line eyeing that HAMburger suspiciously wrapped in tin foil, think again. Don’t take me too seriously though; I’m not at all suggesting any ideas… Really, I’m just giving you a heads up. If you feel someone in line behind you start munching on your ham pants, don’t be alarmed!
My great-grandfather used to say, “Where there are noodles, there are Chinese people. On a similar note, where there is ham, there’s bound to be bread. So now that December has come, the S and E have been returned to their respective positions on that holy slab of wall outside the library to house our rejection letters. What a sHAMe.

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