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Editorials and Opinions

A Word on Leaks

By Jeff Hurray and Adam Sachs
Published: December 2010

With all of the recent controversy surrounding WikiLeaks, it may strike some as ironic that we have a leak of our own.
No, we’re not talking about the leaks discussed on South Park ([URINE] COMING OUT OF MY [REAR]!!!). Rather, one involving the recent discovery of a diary belonging one of South’s own administrators.
Our findings were indeed “leaks, although a bit more hygienic than those previously assumed. Based on the classified information in the diary, we have come to a conclusion: it must belong to someone at the administrative level.
Because we lack moral decency, we’ve decided to discuss the most interesting, bowel moving, and disturbing elements of the diary.
To begin, we found stunning evidence that the administration’s sole goal on Powderpuff day was to “eliminate any traces of competition, school spirit, or fun from the day. Just as shocking, the diary’s author outlined an agreement with the referees of the game to make every call possible against the seniors.
The author also spoke of the administration’s elaborate and secretive system set up to observe students’ Facebook profiles (friending “Newton South High School may have been a bad choice). Furthermore, the Newton South D-Team, Newton South Crisis Team, and Newton South High School Varsity Hip-Hop Dance Team have collaborated with the technology department in an effort to create an algorithm that would match up students with their Facebook aliases’€so far, all they’ve found is “Maaten.
Also hindering their efforts has been the recent change to cartoon character profile pictures. Trying to appeal to the trendy youth, the administration changed its picture to an image of Homer Simpson choking Bart. Unfortunately for them, they didn’t realize why this trend started.
The author also provided a splendid array of random thoughts and non-sequitors about recent and future events.
In response to the recent Patriots whooping of the Jets, a single phrase was written: “HUZZAH! There was also a crudely drawn stick figure portrait of Tom Brady eating Rex Ryan’s face (while Rexy ate “a goddamn snack). The author also elaborated on an enjoyable Thanksgiving: “It was so nice. I ate a buttload of ill Turkey and [defecated] my brains out.
The author seemed to have a peculiar obsession with the Harry Potter series, noting “I respect Voldermort’s administrative qualities.
“BTW, writes the author, I’m sooooo excited for the Eule Ball!!! Already bought an authentic robe
Strangely, the administrator seems to still live with “Mommy and Pap-Pap, and continues to receive rather juvenile gifts from them for the holidays. This year he/she hopes to receive “that gnarly Hess fighter-plane-on-truck, the new Hotwheels collection, a new security camera, and, like, sooooo much k’nex.
Lastly, the author seemed to really like Bob’s Sub Shop, but used confusing language to convey his/her adoration. How someone can “get Bob’s while driving to the actual restaurant still confounds us.
If you’re the administrator that this diary belongs to, feel free to contact us if you want your diary back. We won’t apologize for publishing your most private thoughts, but we will apologize for cleaning up the aftermath of our Thanksgiving dinners with the last couple pages :-/.
If it brings you any solace our good friend “Xzibit would like to share some thought provoking words: “I was basically called at the spur of the moment. I was called in for a cameo. I didn’t have a lot of preparation.
Amen brotha; Eamonn.

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