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Best day ever :)

By Jeff Hurray
Published: November 2010

In a recent hit single, Sammy Adams, Boston’s self-proclaimed “boy, quotes his great-great-great-great uncle, the renowned revolutionary political leader Samuel Adams: “I hate college, but love [fornication.] Here at South, we feel this sentiment rings true about high school; most of the South population is sick and tired of the endless amounts of work and rigorous courses.
In the past, South administration has tried to curb this lack of enthusiasm for our school. To take kids’ minds off of the stress of South, admirable and lionhearted BMX bikers were brought in, pep rallies were annually hosted, and flashy new campus aids were hired. Unfortunately, none of these attempts have proven successful: the BMX bikers used their microphones more than their bikes, students end up being so engrossed with the dance-team performance at pep rallies that no school spirit is garnered, and new the campus aids¦well, they’re perfect; no complaints there. Through psychoanalytical research, we’ve found the problem with the administration’s attempts: they don’t work. So, here we present to you OUR plan for the perfect South day to take all of your minds off the stress.
7:15-7:30 AM: Grant money is used to fund Safe (or Jake) Rides to school for everyone! If you think the ride with your cab driver will be more uncomfortable than with a friend or parent, you’re probably right. But there’s nothing better in the morning than fake leather seats and forced small talk. AND IT’S CONFIDENTIAL!
7:30-7:40 AM: The cafeteria serves a quintessential Mighty’s breakfast. (If you dare to question the superiority of Mighty’s breakfast over Bob’s, you’re probably a communist.)
A-BLOCK: Cots replace desks in all A-Block classes; lefty-cots are available upon request. An inverse participation grading system will be in place: the more you talk, the lower grade you receive¦go to bed, ya doofus!
PASSING TIME #1: Quick Crazy Friday dance party held in the senior commons, fueled by bumping dub-step through that mysterious little amp that finds its way into the commons. If you need a break, the grimy white chair is always open.
B-BLOCK: FRESHMAN speeches will be presented in the field house, with all grades encouraged to attend. Heckling is encouraged’€in fact, that’s the only reason this is happening.
PASSING TIME #2: Same as PASSING TIME #1.
ADVISORY: A school-wide advisory relay race will be held on the Project Adventure ropes course. It’s a perfect way for students to have fun by combining the two most useless things in the school!
PASSING TIME #3: Same as PASSING TIME #2 (Mr. Stembridge joins in this time).
E-BLOCK (LUNCH BLOCK): A school-wide, 75-minute pep-rally, with new and improved entertainment. To begin, internet sensations Ming-Soo Wong, Cobby Jones, Alexander Hamilton, and Evan O’Dorney will perform magic on stage. Next, Newton South High School Varsity Hip Hop Dance Team will perform (YAYYYYY!).
After that, Lord Gulash will preach to the school a secular sermon on the importance of veggie cheese and non-gender specific sunglasses. To wrap it up, the Pope will lead a school-wide duck-duck goose game, the winner of which receives five student ID’s of their choice. For lunch, the cafeteria will serve Anna’s Taqueria and UBurger (all toilets will be cleaned in preparation), while a Fifa tournament is played on the projector.
PASSING TIME #4: Same as PASSING TIME #3.
C-BLOCK: Upperclassmen will bet on the first annual Freshman 500, a race held between the fastest and most empathetic freshmen.
If you think you can plan a better and more politically correct day than this, then you’re wrong. As the esteemed Vanilla Ice said, “no matter what, it’s about keeping it real.

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