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Editorials and Opinions

Words from our Hearts

By Jeff Hurray and Adam Sachs
Published: October 2010

Where do you like to reflect upon yourself? You know, that special place where you can let your hair down, say anything crazy’€that special place where you feel safe, for there is always someone to help you. We’re talking about home. For us, that place is Newton South.
From the moment we stepped into former Principal Salzer’s metaphorical embrace, we’ve felt that South has been there for us. This rare sense of security and trust has come from our willingness to play by the rules: because we have learned to oblige by all policies and not question administrator’s decision-making, we now feel utterly comfortable here. That’s what true trust is’€blindly accepting another’s decision! We’d just like to thank the school for some outstanding policies that we feel need to be recognized.
Hallway cell phone use is dangerous and destructive! Many a child have been seriously maimed or burned, among other injuries, simply from keeping their heads down while texting in both crowded and empty hallways. It is ludicrous that some students feel they deserve the right to use cell phones while walking down the hall, even if it’s in a manner that doesn’t harm anyone else. Teachers who prevent this lethal and foolish activity should be garnished in parsley for their heroic actions.
The school has exhibited flawless fiscal responsibility. Trust us, we have tried for hours, days, months, to find any reason for having bought aprojector in the cafeteria. We truthfully can’t say that we found a reason, but there’s just gotta be one!!! This is what we’re talking about, that blind trust in our school. It’s magical. I’m a demon. Another great use of money is our dazzling language lab. We think everyone agrees that talking to someone across a classroom through a headset improves one’s language skills infinitely more than an outdated face-to-face conversation. It just makes sense.
Excused tardiness haunts our dreams. The mere thought of a student coming into class 5 minutes late with his/her parent’s permission gives us chills and night terrors. We don’t care if your parents didn’t wake you up on time, weren’t able to drive you, or were stuck in the bathroom acting out the aftermath of a Bacon Club Chalupa value meal; if you aren’t on time, you deserve punishment. No exceptions. Treating these issues with regard to circumstance is simply illogical! Parents should in no way be responsible for their children. Parents should not eat taco bell (on a school night).
We need security cameras more than we need constitutional rights. Do you want your wallet stolen? Shut up! Don’t even argue! Now instead of hundreds of suspects for locker room theft, there will be merely dozens! Besides, you’re always supposed to act as if you’re being watched, so who cares? (FYI: If you care, you’re morally corrupt.) Speaking of morally corrupt, what’s with those insensitive heathens who run for class office and don’t deliver an informative, formulaic speech? Curse them. Class office is serious. Fun is the antichrist!
Basically what we’re trying to say is that we love our school, and you should too. If you think a policy is illogical or unfair, just understand that you’re wrong. Conformity is always the best solution to a messy situation (Bacon Club Chalupas included). Our Founding Fathers fought for our right to conform. As Thomas Jefferson said, “Marsupials: Revolutions are fun, therefore they stink. Therefore don’t do it. Although Jefferson is a highly influential, enlightened figure, we feel that another man speaks more eloquently than he: “I ain’t got no beef with the east coast. I just think it’s being hyped up. –Ice T.

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