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View from the Top: David Altman, David Itkin, and Cooper MacDonald

Posted By Denebola On October 28, 2010 @ 2:11 am In Features | Comments Disabled

“At first, I saw mountains as mountains and rivers as rivers. Then, I saw mountains were not mountains and rivers were not rivers. Finally, I see mountains again as mountains, and rivers again as rivers.
Dear freshmen, this quotation outlines the next four years of your lives. As you enter South, you see with your eyes, but your eyes are about to be cut and then handed back to you a few years after that.
Inevitably, there will be a time when you can’t distinguish up from down from Japanese carp. Or, if you play your cards right, ladies, your opportunities will be brighter than Ditkin’s pants. Just remember, life is not a struggle; it is a wiggle.
Even then, you still have to do work, son. Contrary to the beliefs of past View from the Toppers, everything you do in high school does matter, the one exception to this rule being that sassiness will have no repercussions and should be encouraged at all possible instances.
If you do not complete your Spanish homework by the very start of class, you will not get into college. If you leave an essay until the last minute and end up with some fallacious analysis of Catcher in the Rye, you will never get a job.
If you get kicked out of the library, no one will ever love you, including yourself.
Most View from the Top(less) writers (who needs clothes when you have Nutella?) tell the freshmen what to do.  We preach what not to do.
Here is a convenient laundry list that’s guaranteed to improve your high school experience, or your money back. WHOOPS¦ we’re not getting paid for this…
1. Never walk down the hallway with your backpack open. It will get flipped before you can say ‘Ëœbushels.’
2. Never leave your lunch on a cafeteria table – your fellow students will ravage it faster than a venue of vultures would consume a hyena’s carcass.
3. Never play a sport other than Ultimate Frisbee.
4. Never call Bryce Summers a dime piece. He doesn’t like it.
5. Never say never. Defeatism sucks.
On a totally unrelated note, we would like to take this time to announce that David Altman is being held back a year to run for South Senate once again (*cue never-ending applause*).
Perhaps by the end of that additional year, he will make a deal with the devil to end the terms of his indentured servitude. Depending on his behavior, he may at some point be allowed to move on to college.  Also, make sure to take at least one class in the media lab. You’ll never get OBER it.
Finally, we find it necessary and proper to honor what South has lost over the years. These memories shall always live on in our veins, like cholesterol.
- Eating in the halls.
- Half decent cafeteria food. Freshmen, you have chosen a gastronomically inopportune time to join the south communité.
- M-dogg ‘Ëœthe BEAST’: That extra-sparkling cider you brought in for our Freshman English Final sure was a hoot. And it tasted good too. For that, we will always love you.
The rest of this space would normally be dedicated to inside/poop jokes or belittling the freshmen, but we like to think of ourselves as classy gentlemen.
*Please note that we’ve only been chosen to write this illustrious article because the noble senator Altman has a passionate love affair with Ariel Rivkin, whom many may now know as Missy Ariel Altman.
For this reason, we are not to be held accountable for the validity of anything written in this article. If you were offended by anything written here, scream at your parents and demand your own pet communist. Who knows, you just might get one.

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URL to article: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/10/28/view-from-the-top-david-altman-david-itkin-and-cooper-macdonald/

URLs in this post:

[1] View from the Top: Max Clary: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/12/06/view-from-the-top-max-clary/

[2] View from the Top: Ted Tsien: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/05/21/view-from-the-top-ted-tsien/

[3] View from the Top: Maya Lee-Parritz and Emma Stern: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2009/10/21/view-from-the-top-maya-lee-parritz-and-emma-stern/

[4] View from the Top: Aly Suman and Clarissa van Vreden: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2009/05/13/view-from-the-top-aly-suman-and-clarissa-van-vreden/

[5] Book Beat by Jesse Leuchtenburg: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2007/09/23/book-beat-by-jesse-leuchtenburg/

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