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Senior commons: a lost cause or work in progress?

By Sammie Levin
Published: September 2010

If it weren’t for the titles of Facebook albums announcing that it is senior year, I truthfully do not think I would know.
I certainly don’t feel like a senior.
Apparently I do not look like one either, as I was mistaken for a freshman on the first day of school.
Sick!
I know it is far too early in the year to make any substantial judgments, but so far senior year is not all its cracked up to be.
Why?
Well, if I had to pinpoint one source of disappointment, it would be the fact that the sought-after senior c ommons is simply a room.
Naturally, I assumed it would be a wonderland more magical than C.S. Lewis’s Narnia, but not quite as magical as James Cameron’s Pandora’€in other words, approximately equally as magical as May Fen’s dumplings.
But alas, it is nothing more than a square space with worn-out chairs and a poster endorsing Cindy Creem.
To cope with this grave reality, I have come up with a list of common sense solutions to improve the common’s sense.

1. Replace the flooring with a trampoline.

Why senior slump when you could senior jump?
And according to the new class slogan, the Class of 2011 is Down to Flop.
Flopping around on a trampoline in between classes would be a great way to relieve stress, bond with peers, and curb childhood obesity.
What fun! Complications to this plan include plausibility, cost, and potential fatal injuries, but I think it is pretty apparent that the benefits outweigh these concerns.

2. Entertainment.

The senior class is filled with raw talent that we must nurture, which is just one of the many reasons why we should implement a daily rotation of performances in the commons.
The musically inclined folks could provide beats for everyone to bounce to on the trampoline in unison, giving us the opportunity to live out the teenage dream as the cast of High School Musical Four, starring recently discovered theatrical star Sam Dorfman.
Next, stay tuned for the Comedic Stylings of Max Clary.
The last resort for entertainment is a showcase of ballroom dancers; however, we cannot rely on them to give a lengthy performance because, in case you have not noticed, they are often rushin’.

3. Freshen the air.

This suggestion is perhaps the most commonsensical’€or rather, commonscentsical’€of all.
If our class budget allows for clown noses on every table at Semi, I think we can afford to buy a few Glade plug-ins to make the commons more aromatic. In fact, with all the beans we will be consuming, investing in air fresheners is absotootly critical.

4. Table.

If all the previous plans are rejected, then the addition of a mere table would suffice.
Just because we have apparently outgrown the cafeteria does not mean we have outgrown the dependence on a table to have a comfortable dining experience.
Speaking of the cafeteria, I heard that the salad and sandwich bars have been scrapped, which I have been persuaded to believe is part of a plan to wipe out the vegetarian population.
Neglected and starved, the veggies are now forced to scrounge for food, some even resorting to handfuls of ketchup and mustard packets for nourishment.
We must stop this madness before they go extinct.
Otherwise, who will be there to remind us that we are lesser, soulless monsters when we eat meat?
I end by imploring you to join me in my quest to improve the commons.
According to Thomas Paine’s pamphlet Common Sense, “The Sun never shined on a cause of greater worth.

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