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Rimm: A Senior’s Senior

Posted By Jeff Hurray On September 30, 2010 @ 6:00 am In Editorials and Opinions | Comments Disabled

Hi, marsupials. Last year, our column received mixed reception, coming fully to our attention in the beginning of summer, when our moms collectively held an intervention for us both demanding from us to: “Cut the crap, ya turkey! “Quit bein’ a dingus!
Henceforth, we had a dark summer’€things stopped going our way: we lost our shared set of skin-toned crayons; all of our pets died, simultaneously and painfully; I pooped my pants (we’re too embarrassed to admit which one of us); most tragically, we suffered from ravenous night terrors.
So no more monkey business’€we’re going to be serious this year. We want to write something relatable and relevant. Our first subject: the empathetic Rimm Tarrington.
Name: Rimm Tarrington
A/S/L: 15/not until marriage/Newton, MA
Favorite Topics: Horsetails! Chivalry! Cyber-bullying awareness!
Favorite Quotation: “The only thing we have to fear is empathetic cyber-bullying itself.
-Franklin D. Roosevelt
Hidden Talents: Riot prevention, empathy.
“Holy mackerel, is that Christ? were the first words we heard as we accompanied Rimm into South on his first day.
Rimm: *sigh* what a concept. His body is composed of 25% water, 25% empathy, 60% testosterone, -10% fear.  We realized one thing: he must be ours’€he must be a senior.
We will take him out to lunch in the Caddy every day. We will escort him to sporting events, and allow him to taunt obnoxiously (HAAA Y’DAHH?!). We will give him jobs specific to his name. We will brainwash him into realizing the immaturity of freshman. If all goes as planned we will mold him into the senior that he mentally is.
Once this is completed we shall initiate him with an avatar-style rebirth in our most sacred domain: The Commons. If the administration won’t let him graduate without the required credits, we will simply remind them that he is now a senior: shut up.
 If any freshman would like to follow in Rimm’s transcendent footsteps, please prove to us that you have what it takes to be a SENIOR!!! Here are the most basic requirements:
1) One must pass a Sen11or Citizenship Exam, demonstrating a thorough understanding of history through the senior perspective.
EX) Question: “How did the founding fathers reach the Great Compromise? Answer: “They were probably seniors.
2) One must be a chiller.
EX) Rimm: “Sup, I’m a chiller’€and an empathizer.
3) One must be on a perpetual quest for a dragon to slay.
(Goose 13:9 : The Great Goose decreed that in his absence, every weekend there must be a dragon sacrificed for a chiller to slay¦. )
EX: Rimm: “Don’t blame me sweetheart; blame it on The Goose.
But hey, we’re not here to talk about seniors! We’re here to give you Rimm’€the man, the legend, the empathetic Bunker Hill vet. Fear, not marsupials: although he probably deserves to, Rimm does not wish to disturb the delicate social hierarchy already established before his grandiose entrance. Instead, he plans to brighten the South community with his saintly demeanor, preach the code of the chivalrous, and touch us all with the tender membrane of his cherubic heart. After all is said, there’s only one thing to know about Rimm: he knows how you feel.

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Article printed from Denebola: http://www.denebolaonline.net

URL to article: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/09/30/rimm-a-seniors-senior/

URLs in this post:

[1] Chill, don’t Freak: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2007/11/21/chill-dont-freak/

[2] Senior Slump is a well-deserved respite: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/02/10/senior-slump-is-a-well-deserved-respite/

[3] Senior commons reopened: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2009/12/23/senior-commons-reopened/

[4] Art Focus: Justin Danforth: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2007/10/25/art-focus-justin-danforth/

[5] Boys’ and Girls’ Track take DCL Championship: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/05/21/boys-and-girls-track-take-dcl-championship/

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