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View from the almost top

By Julia Lytle and Claire Pezza
Published: June 2010

I would like to begin this article with four of the wisest words I will ever miscount: pooping in school is not bad. In fact, a good BM can liven up almost any boring morning (BM) class.

Many students are afraid of the dirtiness of school bathrooms, and I must admit that, in my younger years, I myself made the long journey from Goodwin to Goldrick in search of a clean can. Some students have been known to be in such vehement opposition to school bathrooms as to choose the potted plants in the library over stall in the restroom (according to two reliable eye witnesses and one squeezer).

Several others, apparently seeing no options, have opted for the floor of the field house bathroom rather than use the sloppy sewage not ten feet away. This is simply preposterous, although the practice has proven to be a money maker for certain members of our grade.

Let me assure you, the physical and emotional toll of “holding it in is not worth it, nor is the possible social toll when you just can’t hold it any longer, note that Jeff Hurray now wears compression shorts even out of sports season.

This being said, I understand that some of you will never overcome your Parcopresis (fear of taking a two in public places). That is why I will let you in on a secret that until now has been known only to a select few (who meet J-blocks at a location to be disclosed later). Imagine a place in school where you could turn on the comically mislabeled “lites lock the door, and imagine you’re at home, evacuating your bowels in peace in privacy. Many have heard its name whispered, but few know the truth. Is it a certain teacher’s room? No, but close. This magical place is the pair of single sex, single toilet bathrooms (location undisclosed). Don’t let the sign on the door that threatens armed response to any non-authorized personnel discourage you. You will never be forced to evacuate while evacuating. In fact, if the bathroom of your choosing is taken, don’t even let the gender signs discourage you from going the other way and experimenting with your digestive identity.

Once inside, you will find all you could have hoped for and more, from a wide array of herb-scented hand soaps to a restoration 15th century Turkish tile design on the floor and oriental rugs on the walls. Indeed, this is a bathroom fit for a king. And indeed there is a king: a jealous tyrant of a king who wishes to hoard the wonderful wash closet for himself.

Should the gutter guardianwitness you leaving the lavatory, you will be berated and your face posted for security personnel to know you in the future.

The washroom watcher may even use scare tactics, telling you about the horrors of losing limbs in automobile plants. Don’t be afraid, no matter what he tells you (however inexplicably out of context it is), this is America and all people should be privy to the same privies.

There are some tricks you should watch out for. If taking a poo in the other gender’s loo, you should be careful not to answer if the door is knocked on as your voice is a dead give away that you are not where you belong.

Also, getting comfortable in this comfort station is a definite no; high fiber diets are a good way to assure a quick in and out.

Finally, teachers keep an eye out for anyone who is sweating anywhere near the bathroom, so this outhouse may be off limits for anyone who has recently eaten spicy foods.

For those of you brave enough to join me and the Fight Against Restricted Toilets (FART), the risk is well worth the reward (unless you get caught).

P.S. Please forward any questions to Adam Sachs via Honesty Box. His dad told him HE could sell the Poop Tube.

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