Editorials and Opinions

2010: A Dad’s Odyssey

By Jeff Hurray and Adam Sachs
Published: June 2010

Yola! Although our last article didn’t make the cut, we’ve come back with more refinement and class (NO SPHINCTERS!). Summers coming!

Thankfully, not on j-block, but the sun is out and not shining, the birds are chirping (Adolph is happy), I’m a demon, and those without camp, jobs, or elaborate teen (shopping) tours to California may become lost in the overbearing heat and inactivity that summer brings.

For this “unfortunate group, the following quotations and our subsequent elaborations should help to make you the more “fortunate group.

“I want to meet that dad.’€Mother Theresa

Get to know local dads. Generally warm and knowledgeable characters, dads will surely enhance your summer experience. Most summer days are great “dad days’€you know, just relax, barbeque some brisket, mow the lawn, share some links, the usual. Often you find dads standing on the uppermost row of bleacher seats at Little League games, congregated within a ten-foot radius of propane grills, or checkin’ out the newest wood grains at National Lumber. Dads!

“Haha, I need a massage.’€Regis Philbin (are you serious?)

The summer heat wears down on us, leaving us all pooped. What better than to rejuvenate your aching muscles than a sensual massage?

Massage Envy on Needham street is the more conventional choice, but persistently asking strangers (or those aforementioned local dads) keeps things interesting.

“And when I was five my favorite movie was Gremlins, ain’t got [bowel movement] to do with this but I just thought that I should mention’€Barbara Streisand
Gremlins is an American comedy horror film directed by Joe Dante and released in 1984 by Warner Bros. It is about a young man who receives a strange creature (called a mogwai) named Gizmo as a pet, which then spawns other creatures who transform into small, destructive, evil monsters. *Watch this! Go Pawsox!

“I love my lady’€yup, yup: I love my chick.’€Freddy Adu

Spend some time with an intimate human companion. If not that, then try a newborn chicken. Both types of relationships promise to bring an unparalleled amount of joy and fulfillment to your otherwise humdrum summer days.

“And the party’s still jumping ‘Ëœcause my mama ain’t home’€Kenny G

Host a social event! Chicks and dads will undoubtedly be impressed with your generosity and amicability. Make sure there are enough wholesome activities to entertain guests. We suggest croquet, duck-duck-goose, 52 card pickup, beanbag toss, and maybe, if they’re feeling up to it, some sad dad dancing. These activities tend to cause a ruckus, so make sure “Mama ain’t home!

Note: When your mom is home, however, make sure to take advantage of her presence. If you demonstrate to her your love of topics and family enjoyment, not only will she be more willing to leave you alone to have those parties, but your familial bond will be strengthened.
“She even wear her hair down her back like mine.’€Benjamin Franklin

Get a haircut, ya doofus!

So please: meet some dads, watch Gremlins, and toss that beanbag.

*Description taken from Wikipedia.

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