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This goes out to the (beautiful) chowder-heads

Posted By Jeff Hurray On April 14, 2010 @ 2:22 am In Editorials and Opinions | Comments Disabled

We will embark on a rather serious note for this column.

Whereas Trigger was a facet of our imagination, we will now ground ourselves in reality in order to please all you unimaginative chowderheads who received our last column poorly. We will proceed to tell you about a man: a man’s man, a woman’s man and a friend to animals and people alike.

In our short visit to his cozy boutique, we found this local vendor, who is known by many for his embroidering skills.  He has a persona defined not only by a printing iron, but by his altruistic philosophies as well.

He lives a simple life in Lexington. With moral objections to the domestication of animals, he prefers to tend to the abundance of birds that, in return for a yearly offering of “500 to 700 pounds of bird seed, grace him with their presence every day.

Blue jays, cardinals, and pigeons come flocking, united to receive their daily sustenance from this extraordinarily generous man.

This man doesn’t feed the birds merely from the kindness of his heart, but also from an adherence to his belief in the “superiority of animals to humans because their history involves no enslavement, genocide, or wars.

While many eat excessively, this man does not “live to eat, but simply “eats to live.

This lack of gluttony, however, does not impede on his ability to uphold philanthropic standards. An advocate of universal health care, he admonishes profiteering from the sick and disabled.

A secular universalist, he hopes the boundaries that divide mankind will one day disintegrate, and humans, like the animals whom he reveres and feeds, will form “one united nation.

Towering shelves define the aisles of this friendly store. Color, team, and size divide the numerous types of merchandise.

Although hard to find, hidden gems, such as retro tennis sweatshirts, step squad sweatpants, and GULASH t-shirts (able to be prepared in under five minutes), distinguish this store from the common sports outlet.

Yes, we understand the common chowderhead may not appreciate some aspects of this article: our decision to reveal morals behind such a fine, gentle man while withholding his identity.

To refine our collective moral compass, however, we, as a society, must learn to appreciate one’s “principles¦not [one's] personality.

Of whom do we speak so highly?

Adolph – from Adolph’s Sporting Goods.


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URL to article: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/04/14/this-goes-out-to-the-beautiful-chowder-heads/

URLs in this post:

[1] Opposing Viewpoints: Dissection is a valuable part of the curriculum: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/06/10/opposing-viewpoints-dissection-is-a-valuable-part-of-the-curriculum/

[2] Gabe’s goodbye: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/02/10/gabe%e2%80%99s-goodbye/

[3] Newton divided; students split: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2011/02/15/newton-divided-students-split/

[4] Opposing Viewpoints: Dissection is wasteful and uneducational: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2010/06/10/opposing-viewpoints-dissection-is-wasteful-and-uneducational/

[5] Science teacher McLaren fulfills longtime dream in the Galapagos: http://www.denebolaonline.net/2009/05/13/science-teacher-mclaren-fulfills-longtime-dream-in-the-galapagos/

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