Editorials and Opinions

Hi there!:) “This Goes Out To The Beautiful Girls”

By Adam Sachs and Jeff Hurray
Published: March 2010

Don’t fret if you fell upon some hard times on Valentine’s Day; our good friend Trigger had it worse. Forgotten gifts and missed dates don’t compare to the hardships of Trigger’s arduous campaign for love.

As Valentine’s Day approached, Trigger, feeling the romantic tingling that always arises within a man who lives a self-proclaimed “magnum lifestyle, searched for that special “shawty. Although he started with high hopes, his ascending libido soon sputtered into a desperate free-fall.

Trigger began the day by approaching a group of eligible “shawties, who he believed were “lookin’ at [him] all naughty. His “swagger on a hundred thousand trillion, Trigger inquired as to which “shawty would accompany him back to his domicile: “Which one of y’all goin’ home wit Trigger? Met by nothing but blank stares, Trigger persisted: “Baby, wassup? To his surprise, he received a substantially more affectionate response to his persistence; while he expected a cordial handshake, he instead received a warm hug from a desirable bachelorette, a hug that gave him a “lil’ buzz.

Pursuing the success of his flirtation, Trigger defiantly proclaimed: “off to the crib, shawty! Noticing her slight hesitation, which was clearly a result of his forceful assertion, Trigger attempted to ease her qualms by asking her to “sit back, relax, and hold up. His efforts to soothe the tension proved to be unsuccessful; the demands, although well intended, only served to increase his potential mate’s uncertainties. Again sensing a growing strain in their interaction, Trigger himself grew anxious; he needed to assure his partner that she would have a satisfactory Valentine’s Day. He urgently promised: “Girl, you gon’ think I invented sex! Astounded by Trigger’s distress and the resulting misogynistic attitude, the bachelorette immediately stormed off in disgust.

Trigger, bewildered by the abrupt departure of such a promising “shawty, went home (by himself </3) to ponder his misfortunes as well as what lay ahead on this promising day. Walking past his kitchen mirror, he caught a quick glimpse of himself and immediately doubled-back to the mirror, transfixed by the visage of a man who, he believed, had “invented sex. Trigger reassured himself of his masculinity: “Trigga da best! Shawties love Trigga! His libido recharged and rising, Trigger embarked on another romantic endeavor.

Trigger hailed a cab to the “Love Shack, a local hotspot that he expected to be crawling with “shawties. Still filled with self-generated machismo, Trigger ordered “lobster and SHRIMP(!!!) and a glass of moscato, and waited with the disillusioned hope that many “shawties would approach such an overbearingly affluent man. As the night continued, Trigger witnessed many-a-“shawtie pass over him and his offering of decorative delicacies for men who were clearly more parsimonious than he. With insecurities arising again, Trigger responded with extravagant impulse: he spotted a group of enticing “shawties sitting at an adjacent table, and purchased a surfeit of food and alcoholic beverages to win their affection. Along with the victuals, Trigger included a forceful written demand to “finish the whole bottle, and furthermore to “show [him] where [their] tats at.

The “shawties received the presents with frivolity, which upset Trigger greatly. He had expected the “shawties to be humbled by his overwhelming graciousness, and with this disappointment grew angst. His insecurities having taken over his self-control, Trigger suddenly jumped up and flipped his table over. The groovy, lax atmosphere that characterized the club suddenly ceased to exist as all eyes fell on Trigger and the upturned table.

Trigger, now realizing his overreaction, became markedly embarrassed and made an attempt to justify his actions: “Trigga bought them dinna! How they gon’ laugh at Trigga?

Trigger’s audience continued to stare, perplexed. Their inability to recognize his graciousness made Trigger even more uneasy. His insecurities that had accumulated throughout the day had reached a boiling point; Trigger snapped: “Ladies should be lovin’ Trigga! Trigga will give [them] the credit card, and baby, [they] can max it out!

Among the dumbfounded audience, one man dared to pose the question that was present in all their minds: “Excuse me, but who is this ‘ËœTrigger’ of whom you speak so highly?

Trigger responded in a desperate and final rebuttal: “I’s Trigga! Don’t you know Trigga? Trigga invented sex!!! His final remarks were met by roaring laughter, and Trigger dashed out of the club, his ego shattered, and, for a moment, began to even question whether he truly “invented sex; however, this ridiculous doubt soon passed.

No matter how unfortunate your Valentine’s Day was, just know that Trigger’s was worse. Did you doubt the notion that you “invented sex? We really don’t think so.

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