Editorials and Opinions

Gabe’s goodbye

By Gabe Glissen-Brown
Published: February 2010

Well, my faithful readers, this is the end. Like a mother bird letting her babies go, I can no longer chew and regurgitate information into your waiting beaks. It is now the job of some non-senior whom I do not care to make the acquaintance of’€maybe someone named Chuck. Or someone else altogether.

But don’t fret, because I have this final column in which to share my wisdoms.

Seeing as this is my last column, my beloved neurotic editor has, in a rare fit of mercy, agreed to allow more of my nonsense into this article. This issue, I will not talk about life lessons that somebody out there may appreciate. I will simply talk, and you’ll probably forget what I say in about 15 minutes.

This article happens to be read by all of you in February. You ask, what’s so special about this freezing month in which even the faintest hopes of summer are so far away? Well, February is also what many call the “month of love.

Yes, this is the month to go up to that special someone who you’ve admired from afar and win their heart through candies of surprisingly questionable taste. I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I’m offered a small heart that tastes like chalk and asks me to legally declare myself the property of the giver, I am a little put off.

But “Be Mine candies aside, Valentines Day is the holiday on which we get to watch as our fellow humans regress to the animals we claim to be superior to. Looking at high school males attempting to win the heart of a mate is much like watching the animals of the jungle in the springtime.

Similar to the tropical birds prancing about with their colorful feathers festooned on display (as seen on Planet Earth), the high school male plays lacrosse and does his mating calls (chorus) in the hopes that an eligible female lying in hiding is impressed by his feats. Like the noble baboon and his brilliantly colorful buttocks, the high school student of either sex dresses in fancypants clothing to catch a mate’s eye.

I implore you to join in the festivities, go out, and win the heart of another on this fine month.

“But Gabe, you say, “I’m no good! Well, that very well may be true. Keep in mind, though, that many bachelors in the animal kingdom are no good, and they manage to pass on their genes, don’t they?

People are like lions. You have to establish yourself as the dominant lion either by growing really impressive facial hair or by battling others for dominance (or by using fire’€lions can’t stand fire).

Not aggressive you say? Well, another candidate to follow is the noble giraffe. Follow around the persons of your choosing and when they turn to ask why you’re being so creepy, hit them with your neck. They’ll be so astounded by your forwardness that their heart will melt before your very eyes.

You may argue that these are just unsophisticated animals that hold no inspiration in the court of love. Well, you would be wrong. Is it not true that the ladies swoon over the innocence of puppies? Do people not travel across vast oceans to view and snap pictures of the mighty hippo? This all goes to show that if you follow the simple steps of the jungle beast, you too will find a mate.

One last piece of advice for you, faithful readers. Ramming someone with your neck in the hallway will probably earn you several lawsuits and a restraining order or two, so it isn’t really advised and, unless you have the ability to grow a mane, sinking your teeth into someone you like isn’t the best idea either. When in doubt just use witchcraft against the opposite sex.

And this is it for me forever. Goodbye, my friends. Goodbye.

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