Editorials and Opinions

Fighting the blog menace

By Gabe Glissen-Brown
Published: May 2009

Gabe’s Gab

After my boycott of opinions last issue, I’ve mended my ways and found one because of my love for my fan base (if I have one) and the enraged IMs from my editor. I delved deep within myself to find something that really annoys me.

I considered many serious issues that could elicit a heavy, emotionally driven response. But in the end I chose a topic that I’m sure a high percentage of you will not care about in the least. However, for the sake of my loyal followers, I shall press onward. My friends, let’s talk about bloggers.

A blogger, for those of you who don’t know, is someone who feels the need to share their experiences and opinions with thousands of people on the Internet whom they’ve never met before.

This seems harmless enough, but one can’t rest easy knowing that over time, blogging could become a more popular activity. The fact that bloggers blog is not the issue here; the issue is that these fiendishly fast typers feel the need to share every waking, irrelevant thought with the public. Just for perspective, let’s examine a typical blogger. Let’s call him Chuck.

Now Chuck recently enjoyed a road trip with his buddies for a few days. Rather than enjoying the memories by flipping through photos and whatnot, Chuck feels the need to blog about his trip. “Day one: today we stopped at a roadside fast food restaurant, Chuck writes. “I was shocked at how much money it cost to buy a fake, uncooked mystery meat patty. That just goes to show how corporations are widening the gap between the upper class and everyone else. I for one think that¦ Chuck continues on a thirty-minute rant about his bitter hatred of big corporations that oppress the little guy.

Now first off, Chuck, why would you even embark on a road trip not expecting to spend money? Second of all, why enter a fast food establishment if you have an aversion to rubbery masses of lumpy mystery meat? Third of all, why go anywhere if you feel the need to complain about it? And finally, nobody cares what you think.

Another reason blogs are terrible is because they create the illusion that everyone’s life is full of earth-shattering, life-changing crises. The reality is, life is full of small events that are blown out of proportion so much that they legitimately seem significant. In the “blogosphere (they named it that), every event leads to a life changing epiphany that merits several paragraphs of soul-searching. If this is the way our children will grow up thinking, the world will soon be filled with narcissistic know-it-alls who think they matter more than everyone else. Instead, we should just crush each others’ self-esteem. Easy peasy.

If the horrible trend of blogging is not put to a stop, thousands will end up dead and hundreds more mortally wounded. It’s up to us, as citizens, to put a stop to this catastrophe before it gets out of hand.
Honestly, where do these people get off writing long compositions every month or so about ridiculous opinions that nobody cares about? The thought of it disgusts me.

Now, if you’re a blogger, I mean nothing against you personally. It isn’t that I dislike you because you blog. I just hate everything you love.

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