View from the Top: Amanda Breckner and Emily Epstein

By Amanda Breckner and Emily Epstein
Published: March 2009

Disclaimer: All items marked with an * may or may not be true¦. Just kidding they’re true¦ just kidding they are not true.

It is 10 pm, and we are slumping. Emily just ate two ice creams while Amanda watched in complete horror. And then we got peach rings. And now we’ve got stomachaches, oh nine! This is how you senior slump on a Wednesday night. And now, with 32089723809723 grams of sugar in our bodies, we will attempt to go where no View from the Top article has gone before: interactive.

A Weekly Crash Course to Senior Slumping:

-Monday: You show up late, because there’s a line at D&D. You a) attempt to sneak in unnoticed, drink your coffee, and still manage to fall asleep in your chair, b) write a late note (you’re 18, it’s is okay), c) offer your teacher some coffee.

-Tuesday: You forgot your homework¦no just kidding, you just didn’t do it. You a) quickly copy your neighbor’s, and then doze off b) hope she isn’t collecting it¦and if she does, you plan to sweet-talk her into giving you an extension, c) apologize and offer to bring it in tomorrow along with a bouquet of roses.

-Wednesday: (See opening paragraph).

-Thursday: Your average bedtime is: a) whenever your TV show is over, b) bedtime?, c) whenever you’re done with your homework.

-Friday: Weekend’s here! Your Friday night consists of: a) napping’€and then waking up at noon on Saturday, b) party-hopping, c) doing your weekend homework so that you can be available on Saturday night on the off chance that somebody might call you.

-Saturday: You had plans to go bowling with your senior friends, when you receive a phone call from a guy/girl you met¦that time¦at that place¦you a) invite them bowling , b) bowling or ballin’? Are you kidding?, c) who?

-Sunday: is a) a day of rest, b) the time to do all of your homework¦maybe, c) the perfect opportunity to think about your future.

Mostly a’s: You are a sleepylumper (dontcha like how it rolls of the tongue? Amanda did¦so we kept it).

Mostly b’s: You’re legal, man!

Mostly c’s: Senior slump? Get ‘Ëœums!

Seven Things you didn’t know about NSHS¦until now:

You don’t have to take APs and Honors classes in order to get into a good college.

Your principal has a black belt in judo. Don’t mess.*

The campus aides only tag illegally parked cars once a month.*

Javier Mendez used to be one of Shakira’s backup dancers.*

Seniors don’t have to make up snow days.

School trips to foreign countries are the best way to get ‘Ëœums.

Study guides make the best paper airplanes.

10 Ways not to learn anything in class:

Get ‘Ëœums with your neighbor.

Look at your nail beds for a while.

Invent your own written language.

Write the alphabet to said language in every font possible. Except Papyrus.

Practice your signature¦and your parents’.

Don’t, under any circumstances, look at the board.

Squish the girl in the front row’s head between your thumb and index finger.

iPod + earbuds + hood.

Practice the countdown until the bell rings (“10¦9¦8¦).

Get ‘Ëœums with your other neighbor.

How to sneak a textbook out of the library *tested and proven:

Solo method: You know that strange sensor that looks like a portal into the unknown, but makes scary beeping noises when you forgot to put down that library book (aka the sensors)?
Right before walking through this portal, toss desired textbook up and cover the sensors at a 45 degree angle and dash forwards, holding your arms out to catch the textbook on the other side. Make sure the door is open.

Partner method/“double teaming: Know how to play catch? ‘ËœNuff said.

So, that pretty much sums up the extent of our education here at Newton South.

We hope you’ve been enlightened. And for all you youngsters–enjoy the ride! ‘ËœCause we sure did. Get ‘Ëœums oh nine!

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