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View from the Top: Tess Boris-Schacter and Claire Johannes

By Denebola
Published: October 2008

1feats.jpgWE RUN DIS SCHOOL. But we don’t run to school. We hate running. We’re basically straight lampin’ 24/7 (urbandictionary.com that ish, kid). If you don’t know who we are, you’ve probably been living under a geological formation for your entire high school career.

You may recognize us from last year’s Tertulia as the headlining act, A.N.T.I. We’re seniors. What do you want? And we ain’t never gonna stop! Doing what? We don’t know. But we aren’t going to stop. This would ideally be the time to tell the class of Ohhh Nineee to vote us for best friends, but superlative sheets have already been handed in¦ Whoopsies.

So to all you underclassmen/shoppers out there, you’re probably equally as cool, cooler, or less cool than all of the people in our grade. For instance you’re probably as cool as Diana Burmistrovich¦ Actually you’re definitely not. That girl only rocks black, gold, hot pink, and animal prints; she’s way too fly for any of you.

In addition, you could be cooler than that weird blonde girl driving 25 miles per hour down Brandeis in a beat up Volvo blasting Oldies 103.3 and yelling Tag Team with the windows down. What’s her name? Florence? Who cares, that’s a feeble-minded name anyways¦ Lastly, you’re definitely not as cool as us, don’t be so ign’ant.

One direct influence on our rock star status (so what, I’m still a rock star energy beverage) is our knowledge and love of DCOMs (Disney Channel Original Movies, n00bs). So the advice we have decided to share with you is to watch these seven masterpieces of current day cinema.

Coming in at number 7: Zenon: Girl of the 21st Century.

The most prominent aspect of this movie’s greatness is the vernacular that the teens in space use. I mean, Zetus Lapeetus? You can’t make that up.

Number 6¦Which in theory should have been number 5¦ Quints. Even though little kids are the most unenjoyable company to be around, for some reason when you have five of them at once, their charm exponentially increases. Or maybe that’s just because the main character, Jamie Grover, loves to make up dramatizations (she should really work for the above the influence ad campaign).

Well top o’ the mornin’ to ya! It’s number 5: The Luck of the Irish. Although it may seem like everyone is upset about Kyle losing his luck and mad ups on the b-ball court, everyone knows it’s really a struggle to get his devilishly good looks back. Who would date a two-foot tall leprechaun with pointy ears and poorly done highlights?

Moving right along to number 4: Life Size. Tyra Banks (world renowned model and reality series host extraordinaire) and Lindsay Lohan (¦ummm Parent Trap?!) starring alongside each other in a DCOM is fabulous enough as is, but to this day the song “Shine Bright is still number one on all of our playlists.

We are unable at this time to grant a number 3 because we have found that two DCOMs have excelled and both equally deserve a number 2 slot on our list: Motocrossed and Brink! These two movies are all tied up because they have the two most important things a quality work of art must have: cute boys and extreme sports. The cute and endearing Andy Brinker vs. the tough bada** Dean Talon would be quite the showdown. After tallying and recounting the numbers on our cuteness scale we have found them equal (averaging about 3 ‘€ do the math).

And finally, the moment you have all been waiting for¦ The number one DCOM¦ Ever. After laughs, tears, and a couple drive-by shootings we have at last reached our decision: The Thirteenth Year. This sci-fi thriller will have you on your seat as Cody undergoes the transformation of his life and sprouts a tail and fins. The boy was cute, the love triangle was complicated, and we weren’t 13 yet, giving us just one more thing to hope for, since we learned at age 11 that we apparently weren’t witches.

We’ve gotten off topic a bit¦ So the view from up here is pretty nice, the cars look like tiny rolly polly bugs and the people look like ants. We’re probably a good 97 stories above the ground. It’s kind of scary. Acrophobia is beginning to kick in.

Alright, we’re going to peace out before the class of ‘Ëœ13 comes to South. Never forget: marinated Monday, tenacious Tuesday, Where’s Waldo Wednesday, threatening Thursday, and CRRRAYZEE FRAHDAES!!!!!!

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